I Don’t Want To Be Your Friend
Good. I got your attention.
Seriously, I’ve been going through somewhat of a social media crisis these past few weeks, a crisis not entirely of my own making.
Ever since I became very active with social media about two years ago when I joined MySpace, the pressure to join additional networks, add new friends, and really “work” the 
system has intensified. I still have a presence on MySpace but I largely ignore this medium even when a twenty-something hottie thinks that this near 50 year old writer is da bomb. I know that she was deeply disappointed to learn that I am faithfully married and simply not looking for the type of friendship she has to offer.
What I am regularly finding in my email box these days are 
invites to new networks I have never heard of. I won’t name them here, but when I looked at the various networks I already belong to (and hardly register a presence there), I thought: do I need to stretch myself any thinner? I think not.
True, I am very active with StumbleUpon and to a lesser 
extent with MyBlogLog, with little interest elsewhere other than the occasional LinkedIn add. I’ve avoided Facebook, which is probably good as I have learned that Facebook invades users’ privacy. I know that it is virtually impossible to extricate oneself from MySpace, so why bother with Facebook? I’ll let the other 64 million users get to know each other real well, as well anyone can in a crowded environment.
Speaking of StumbleUpon, I am removing “friends” who are no longer active with SU, but I noticed that even as I remove 
people, SU won’t allow me to add new friends. Apparently, there is a bug in their system that says I have reached the 200 friends limit, but I know that this number is now down to 188. Once SU fixes their bug, I’ll make some changes, but I’m not going to notify them either as it just isn’t all that important to me.
Ultimately, I find this whole “friending” thing to be a bit silly as it diminishes what being a true friend is all about. Certainly, some of my readers would probably be my friends in “real life” but the vast majority of people I come into contact with online are people I probably will never meet.
I don’t know about you, but friends in the flesh carry a lot more weight then online acquaintances, people I can see face-to-face, hang out with, offer mutual encouragement, etc.
No, I’m not giving up my social media involvement, but I must tell you that friending isn’t a priority for me. I’ll gladly trade quality stumbles with you and work on beneficial projects, but I’m not looking to expand an impossible to maintain social media network.
Crisis over.
“I don’t know about you, but friends in the flesh carry a lot more weight then online acquaintances, people I can see face-to-face, hang out with, offer mutual encouragement, etc.”
That’s the money quote and it’s dead-on. Sometimes (oftentimes?) we can get so caught up in our online persona and activities that we forget where real living truly takes place. It ain’t staring at a box, whether it’s a computer or a TV.
With all these services, the friends you choose determine what content you see, though I must admit I avoid expanding too far, and have even reduced my involvement.
One thing I am avoiding in future are requests to stumble off topic content, because of some new Blogcatalog features coming soon.
Bingo, Jesse. I like my online relationships but nobody is “there” when I need them and vice versa.
Andy, okay tease me. I haven’t been all that active with BlogCatalog, but now I’m thinking that I should be. I do stumble off topic, way off in fact, but I have been considering limiting my stumble activity to a few carefully chosen fields.
Well said. I find that most of the online “friends” that I actually converse with are people I’ve already established a rapport with in the real world…
I think if you just ignore it and don’t friend them back it should be ok.
Oh, I couldn’t agree more. I’m tired of having to verify friendships, log in, ooooops forgot the password, wait for the email, reset the password, click “Accept” only to see the screen go blank or worse, be told I’m at my limit.
Who cares what your limit is? Why do these sites make it so difficult? Isn’t it better to simply link to people you find interesting through your weblog? I don’t enjoy the notion that these sites actually charge you to introduce yourself or to expand beyond their arbitrary limits.
Oo. I’m all mad now.
Lori, it is all about control. I’m thinking that these social media sites love to exert their control and drive us crazy in the process.
For our trouble, we “gain access” to other frustrated social media specialists and maybe, just maybe connect with people with matching interests.
I’m with you: I prefer to find people via blogging instead of by way of cattle crowding internet sites!
I’m sorry to have made you angry!
I am also a member of lots of social network site and it makes me feel dizzy already because or rampant invites in different social media in my e-mail today. I wonder if were did they get my e-mail add ? Anyway I do like stumble upon because it is really worth joining it.We should not learn to become dependent with online friends because most of people who goes online either working or busy with there life so it is indeed a must for us to understand that online friends are just temporary only.
The original idea behind Friends in Facebook, IMHO, was to list the people who were your friends, buddies, or otherwise people you knew in person.
“Friends” in social media would be better described as colleagues, contacts, or acquaintances.
Mark, I agree. Better terminology would clarify “friending” and maybe “associating” or “colleaguing” are two words to consider!
While I agree that most social media ‘friends’ are not real friends, that does not mean they do not provide any value.
I prefer the term peers. I’ve befriended a range of peers in StumbleUpon and am seeing great returns via the content they filter through to me. Some I even have semi regular email conversations with.
They key is to be highly selective over who you befriend.
I like the word ‘contacts’. That’s what the Internet allows with great efficiency, making contacts.
James and Barry, you both have some very good suggestions. Some people online are truly peers while others are mere contacts. I think creating your own network of people who can provide mutual support is the best course of action with social networking.
Matt, thanks for the smile. It reminded me of my dad because when “friends” would keep phoning he would say, “I don’t need any f*!#ing friends!”
Social networking is fun but there’s way too many to keep up with. I don’t even remember how to get back into some that I joined so am sticking with Facebook and StumbleUpon.
I see people twittering all over as well but I need to get some work done sometime. Although some of these people are family and friends, half of them would be better called colleagues or acquaintances.
LOL. Yes, so-called friends — they always want something and rarely give you something without charge!
I detest when someone calls me on the phone and gets all buddy-buddy with me — “May I call you Matthew?” Ugh — only my family members call me that; I’m Matt to virtually everyone else. Besides, if you irritate me then Mr. Keegan is where I draw the line!
I tried Twitter for awhile and then I decided it was pointless. I can barely keep up with people in a handful of social networks, never mind personal or business blogs, why do I need to know what they are doing at any given moment?
Sometimes I think we exaggerate our importance — this ain’t Hollywood!
Ha, its a world full of social tools, we can’t avoid it, so just join and enjoy, though I haven’t got any account in the above communities, but I will,
Good post and agree with most of it. The exception being that if there is a bug with StumbleUpon and you value the service, you should report the issue.
Matt,
I agree with you for the most part. There is some pressure to get involved in multiple Social Networks, especially if you are very active on one where your friends there are active on other networks.
One statement you made probably needs some clarification. You said “I don’t know about you, but friends in the flesh carry a lot more weight then online acquaintances, people I can see face-to-face, hang out with, offer mutual encouragement, etc.”. If your goal is business referrals, then yes I would agree. If your goal is to promote your site online, then unless you are speaking of friends in the Internet Marketing world, then you need those “virtual” friends to help you accomplish that.
My 2.0 cents.
Anthony / OldSchool
Franca: Joining up is the easy part, maintaining some sort of presence is the difficult part. You’ll probably find two or three you are most comfortable with and work well with them.
Anthony: Absolutely, online contacts are very important. I hope it doesn’t sound as if I am diminishing my relationships, especially with active people such as you. My point, which is really a minor one, is using a valuable word such as “friends” so carelessly.
Anne: Anne, I’m actually satisfied with keeping the bug in place. The reason? It actually makes the maintenance of my social network easier - I don’t spend excess time adding and subtracting friends.
All are not real friendship~!
I tend to think that the value of each “friend” increase with the profile owner’s commitment to contributions. LinkedIn is a perfect example… so many people sign up, amass a network, and then disappear once they’ve mined their address books. But if you look at all the people with 500+ contacts, you’ll see a high proportion of those are active on LinkedIn Answers…
Dear Matt,
I’m really glad I found your blog. I found it ( you) on Linked In’s forum as I was reading about new applications and then I started to read some of your blog entries here.
I sometimes keep my own blog and I admire the fact that you are able to keep food on the table through writing full time. One of the things that I’ve been fascinated by recently is the social networking phenomenon. Yes, there are crazinesses (word?) from this weird way of relating. I look forward to delving more in depth into what you and others have to say here about them…their uses, abuses, and the potential for virtual mentoring. (One of my blog’s yet to be mulled over topics for seasoning and serving up soon!).
Anyway, before I ramble on ad nauseum, just wanted to proffer my online greetings and congratulations.
Best wishes!
Ann
PS…I was very surprised to see that my comment posted to your blog right away. My blog allows me to moderate comments prior to their appearing on the actual site. I guess the confirm email step in submitting comments acts as a spam-incinerator? Anyway that’s like a true open forum, and a brave thing. : )
Welcome, Ann! Thank you for your comments too. As far as making a go of it full time, it does take a lot of work. My hours are long and I market myself like crazy, but at the end of the day I’m still my own boss and I finish up work fulfilled, not frustrated.
Regarding the moderating of comments, you may be able to see them on your side, but my readers do not see the comments until after I approve them. I implemented the approval process many months ago, especially after all the abusers started to take advantage of my generosity.
I’m with you. there is no way you can join everything and reap any benefits from it. Like you said, you’ll wear yourself to thin.